Death is something that really interests me. In the book Tuesdays with Morrie, one of Morrie's aphorisms is When you die, you live. You only appreciate life once you learn and accept your own mortality.
There is more to death than physical death. There was a point in my life that I have experienced dying - Emotional and spiritual death. I have always believed that everything that happens in life has a purpose. But what would be the point in living if there is no reason to live for.
You would come to a point in your life that you ask what if there is no such thing as purpose... how will you live your life then. Nothing to look forward to since there is nothing on the other side of the road.
Vast emptiness.. that is what I have felt before. Emptiness. Nothing, there is just nothing to look forward to. I have died during those months, emotionally. I felt no emotions, just numbness. And once you have died emotionally, you just become cold, void of emotions.
I did not actually care if I was hurting other people, 'cause I just did not feel anything. I chose not to process any emotions, I just died then. My first manager told me then that she has not seen me as cold and numb when dealing with the situation I was experiencing then. She was actually worried about me. But I just did not care anymore.
Then I asked myself would I choose to avoid getting hurt but living like a vampire, cold hearted, no emotions. Or choose to be hurt but learn and live life enjoying each kind of emotion, happiness, sadness, joy and sorrow, like Morrie has pointed out in his book.
I guess I chose to live. I spared myself living life void of emotions. Living life full of regrets. I made stupid choices but who doesn't. Life is to be lived by making decisions anyway. But you should live with those choices, right?
So for two months in UAE, I'm wondering why am I here? It has been a struggle for me. Getting really exhausted, dealing with pressure and a high maintenance colleague, having a humbling experience and other things. And this experience made me realize that I need to deal yet with certain emotions... fear and courage. Learning about these feelings a bit deeper now.
I will survive in this country, in this company like those who have struggled and conquered their fears and courageously rose from the pits of failures and disappointments.
I will survive and continue living.....